Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
