hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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