i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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