Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
