Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
