I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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