Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you win again, gameday.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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