Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
