I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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