hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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