i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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