Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
