he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we're making bets on your personal life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
