just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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