in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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