So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
