if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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