It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
