yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
