omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
