Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
