Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
