Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
