We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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