I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
