he shaved USA in his pubs
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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