Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
