So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
