i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
