At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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