Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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