when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
