just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
