So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
