I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
