I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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