So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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