xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
