Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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