the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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