I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
