I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
