i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
