Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
