Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
