You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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