i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
