After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
