Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
