It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
