Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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