I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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